even this

I haven't posted in quite a while. On the very first day that Roots was to meet, my computer died. Coincidence? I think not. I am back up and running now after losing everything on my hard drive. The up-side? Well, my computer isn't cluttered (*tear).

Anyway, that is not the reason that I write today. Today, I need to share a phrase that just came to me as I was thinking about my faith in God. I think it will transform the way I pray and the way I look at life.

Let me start by saying, life has not been particularly easy lately. I'm starting to realize the magnitude to which the enemy will attack as I try to live a calling. One thing I've noticed: If the enemy can't send people to attack and hurt you, he will just do it himself. His very favorite recipe of attack toward me - worry, anxiety, and hopelessness. He kicks in 2 parts "what if you've gotten this all wrong?" - 1 part "what will people think of you?" - 3 parts "this might never get any better." Voila! Amy face down on her bed sobbing. Satan - 1, Amy - 0.

Well, I might have just learned the counter attack. It is one simple phrase, actually, two little words - "Even This." This is how I should pray and think and approach every obstacle. God can handle EVEN THIS. He can heal EVEN THIS broken body. Jesus can transform EVEN THIS child. The Lord God, King of Kings, can repair EVEN THIS marriage. God's Word can reach EVEN THIS nation. And, Amy, you can pray EVEN THIS and not be afraid.

I have hit some pretty low, lows lately. I heard a song yesterday that breathed new life into me. I've heard it many times, but I guess it was lost on me until then. It's called "Break Every Chain" and the chorus is
"There is power in the name of Jesus.
There is power in the name of Jesus.
There is power in the name of Jesus...
to break every chain,
to break every chain,
to break every chain."

It was while I was singing this song that I realized that this "power" "to break every chain" is not limited by how many times the enemy attacks or how hard he hits. My God, My Jesus, can break every chain - EVEN THIS one. So, this is how I will pray: I will pray with boldness, praying for things that I was too scared to pray for; I will hold my head high through the storm; I will wait on the Lord - if it takes days or even years to see His will done, because He will come through for me. Even in this.

worthless words

I've spent the last two days in a fog when it comes to time with the Lord. I've been anxious, guilt-ridden, and just plain tired. Today I attempted to spend time with the Lord and, yet again, I feel this unsettled, unfocused, just not-good feeling. I had tried everything - worship music, reading scripture, praying. Finally, I just said, "Holy Spirit, show me what to pray." Immediately, repentance started flowing. Now, I had already asked God to show me my sin today and on the two days prior, but I guess I wasn't paying attention or just not wanting to see. The Holy Spirit brought me right out. I had uttered worthless, not worthy, words.

Last Thursday, I received a word from the Lord for someone else. I stewed over this all weekend and wasn't sure if I would actually share it. Finally, on Monday it was evident that I should and so I did. Here's the problem: after I shared the message, this person asked me a question, and I didn't give a straight answer. Actually, I lied. The question was something like, "How did you know to be praying for me?" Well, the truth is that someone told me to but what I said was, "I don't know" and something like "the Lord put you on my heart." I didn't want to betray the person's confidence who had asked me to pray, but that wasn't all. The truth is that the Word that I had received was so heavy that I thought it would somehow diminish my credibility if I hadn't just somehow miraculously known to be praying for this person. It was a glory thing. A pride thing. A faith thing. A sin thing.

Well, not only did the Holy Spirit bring me out and cause me to confess to the Lord, I also had to call this person and confess.

So, the fog is gone; the anxiety is gone. I still feel icky, but that's my own stuff.

The funny thing is, yesterday I was trying to work on a study for Roots and I just couldn't make it happen. I had this scripture that the Lord had given me a while back and I couldn't do anything with it. I asked the Lord if I was missing something; I sat and stared at it for quite a while and nothing. Want to guess what the scripture was? Jeremiah 15:19

"If you repent, I will restore you

that you may serve me;

if you utter worthy, not worthless, words,

you will be my spokesman."



Lesson learned, Lord. If I'm told to say something, I should say it exactly as it is - no fillers, no hidden stuff - just Your words. I'm thinking, say it right or don't say it all.

Thank you Holy Spirit for always being straight with me.

-Amy



a love story

Friends,
I want to share something with you, but I want to be certain that you receive it correctly. I'm going to tell you a story about something that happened recently, but I want to make sure that this is not construed as a story about me. This is actually the story about God's love.

A year ago, I met a guy at a gas station. He was behind the counter, ringing up my drink and gum. I happened to look at his face and I immediately felt scared for him. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. This had never happened before. The feeling of fear was very strong, so strong that I couldn’t ignore it. I didn’t feel scared of him. I felt scared for him. So, not knowing what else to say, I opened my mouth and something like these words fell out: “I don’t know what’s wrong, but I feel scared for you. Is everything ok?” He looked at me like you would imagine he would. He said, “Yeah, I think so. What do you think is wrong?” I told him that I didn’t know, but I urged Him to read Romans (I don’t know why I told him Romans). I told him that if he didn’t have a Bible, he could go online and read it. He seemed like he listened to me, but I was pretty sure he was just caught off guard. I know I was.

So, here I am a year later and I start remembering this guy. He couldn’t have been more than 20 or 21 years old.  I start praying for him daily. Then, last Sunday I knew that I needed to go find him. I didn’t know for sure if he would be at the gas station that day. I just knew that I needed to check. So, I rode out there and he was not at work. I figured that my timing was off or that there was something else that I needed to see before I spoke with him. Then, on the 4th of July, I woke up to have my time with the Lord and all I could think about was this kid. I tried worshipping, praying - nothing but thoughts of this guy flooded my mind. I know this feeling well now and I know that it's a urging from the Lord to do something. I also discovered why it was that I was scared for him. So, I left to go to the gas station (this time very confident that he would be there).

I went inside and bought my gum & drink, but I didn't see him. I asked the cashier if he would be in today and she said yes and told me that he should be in shortly. I waited in my car and when he pulled up I could see that he recognized me. Just to be sure, I reminded him who I was and then told him that I knew why I was scared for him. Let me interject here to say that this guy already had the red flag look in his eyes. I know this was crazy for him. It was crazy for me. I really didn't want these words to come out of my mouth. They sounded like something that fire and brimstone evangelists say. I said the words anyway, "there's a battle for your soul." At this point, it was as if the kid hit one of those buzzers from America's Got Talent. Like a big red "X" and a screeching, loud, horn went off. Rejected. I went on to say some other things about his past and explained that this is not something that I do, going around looking for people to stalk and tell about Jesus. But, here's the part that shook me and I hope it shakes you in the same way. When I told the kid that Jesus loves him, his eyes changed. Literally, changed. I don't mean that his heart softened (although it did) and that I could see it (which I could). I mean, the boy's eyes physically looked different to me. His eyes connected with mine. He believed me, or at least wanted to. Nothing else that I said in that few minutes meant anything to him. When he heard me say, "Jesus loves you so much..." he was a different person. It was only a few seconds, but I promise you, he was changed. I don't think I will ever forget his eyes. They were a light, golden brown, and the way he looked at me with them, I wondered if he had ever heard this before. It was both exhilarating and heart breaking at the same time. I gave him a Bible and probably sounded like I was pleading with him to take this seriously. I just remember hearing myself say, "this is real" over and over again. I wish I could tell you that we both hit our knees and prayed to the Lord, but, actually, as soon as those moments passed, he was back in the judge's seat with his red "X" buzzer. I have this, though, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he heard that Jesus loves him.

So, here's why I share this with you. First, because I hope you will pray for him. Secondly, and most importantly, because it sunk deep into my heart the truth that God's love transforms. Our words fail, our best efforts fail, but His love never does. Lastly, because I'm setting this up in my heart as an altar to God - a reminder of his faithfulness. I'm using this both as an accounting of what is most important in this endeavor called Roots and a reminder that this stuff is bigger than I can imagine - that I can't even comprehend the weight of it, this side of heaven. I can't ever take this lightly. We can't ever take this lightly. A call from God, to do whatever He says, is a serious one. People's lives are on the line.

With love and appreciation for all of your prayers.

Amy

eyes open

I just spent a week at the beach with my family. It was wonderful. Bike riding to the ice cream shop, board games in the evening, sand wars on the beach (complete with well-fortified barricades). But, what sticks out the most in my mind is the time with the Lord on the beach, when He spoke to me words that I will carry with me always. 

Let me digress for just a moment. A miraculous thing has happened in the life of Amy since I've begun this new journey with the Lord. At some point in my conversations with Him, I realized that my "quiet time" was getting pushed around by appointments, kids waking up unexpectedly early, or dishes that piled up in my sink. I confessed that there was no way I would hold on to this discipline at the rate I was going, so I asked the Lord (hold on here, my friends, this is a big one) - I asked Him to make me a MORNING PERSON! The horror! I knew that our time would have to happen somewhere around 5:00 or 5:30 if it was going to happen consistently. I also knew that it would be nothing short of a miracle if Amy Miller was to wake up before a cup of coffee was placed in her hands by her sweet, morning-person husband. Well, friends, it is happening. It has been a few weeks now and while I was at the beach, I woke up most mornings at 5:30. No alarm. No diligent husband. Just the Lord. I experienced some of the most precious times sitting on the beach early in the morning with just me and the Lord and a few sea gulls.

On the first morning that I ventured out to the shore before the sun came up, I unrolled my beach mat, sat down, closed my eyes and bowed my head to pray. Immediately, the Lord urged me to open my eyes. He wanted me to see all that was around me. He had created this beauty and it was mine to enjoy. I could see the clouds far out that would be rolling in later that day; I could see the sea gulls waiting in the sky for their morning feast; I could see an ocean so strangely calm that it reminded me of reading about Jesus walking beside lake Gennesaret. I don't remember all that was said during that time, but I remember praying and seeing a man far down the beach. He was limping and walking with a cane. I tried to continue talking to the Lord, but He kept showing me this man. I knew I had to pray for him. I told the Lord that I would approach him as he got closer, but when he was about 25 feet away, he turned back to the direction from which he came. I gave the typical "ughhh" and put my Bible down and walked after him. To make a long story short, I prayed over his knee, ankle, and another issue. Turns out, the man is from the South Congaree area. Anyway, the point of this is not about chasing down a man to pray for him. It certainly is not about my obedience, because only a short time after this incident, I failed to reach out to another person.

It is about praying with my eyes open.

Most of the time, I close my eyes in worship or prayer so that I can stay focused. I have a tendency to be easily distracted. But, sometimes, the Lord wants to show me something beautiful. Sometimes, he wants to show me the broken people. Sometimes, those things are one in the same. He loves these people, and while, to us, they may limp or appear broken beyond repair, to Him, they are a beautiful creation. If I want to experience the Father's heart, it will require me to, sometimes, pray with my eyes wide open and see the broken, beautiful people that His heart longs to heal.

   

answers

A lot has happened since the decision to go ahead with what's next. I am now in full swing and realize that I am going to have trouble catching anyone up on all that has transpired. So, here it is in 30 seconds or less:

All of this officially began on May 6th, the day after graduation. In the last month, I have shed tears of frustration, confusion, and doubt over what I am being called to do. But, God has seen fit to give me grace. He has imparted to me the vision of a group of 12 seventh graders who will meet twice a week after school, who will become rooted in Him. They will be like trees planted by the water, who send their roots out by the stream. They will not fear when heat comes; their leaves are always green. They have no worries in a year of drought and they never fail to bear fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

This group, called "Roots," will be built up in the Word and in prayer. They will serve the community, to bring healing to the broken and to bring light into darkness. Their families will, themselves, be affected by their children's walk with the Lord.

Today is Day 19 of a 30 day prayer. I am praying for consistency and faithfulness for myself as I try to carry out this calling. If you feel led, pray with me for the remaining 11 days. Also, pray for the 12 as I reach out to them and their families and invite them to be a part of this.

Blessings,

Amy

the question

I've graduated. Now, I get to face the dreaded question, "So, what's next?" I swallow hard and try to figure out, yet again, a new way to say it. I've managed to ramble in 50 different ways about "what's next." I've used words like "outreach," "mission," "God's call," and the bottom line is, everyone still looks at me like I've just landed here on earth and I'm speaking some alien language.  I don't blame them. It's me, not them. The problem is that I don't have an answer that anyone can digest in a matter of a few seconds.  Lately, I've just given up and said, "I'll let you know as soon as I know." 

So, for anyone who cares to receive an answer to the question, you may continue reading. I'm sorry that I don't have a one or two word answer for you.  Trust me, I want it more than anyone.

Like most people, I went ahead and made my own plans.  I had planned to go to graduate school and get my MSW.  I never consulted the Lord on this as far as I can remember; it just made sense to me to do it.  A few weeks before graduation and a month before starting the grad program, I heard the Lord say something like, "why are you here?"  OK, well, it was a sermon and a pastor was saying it. I can't remember what he was talking about in that sermon, because once he said those words, I couldn't hear anything else.  I kept trying to listen to the message, but it would not stop reverberating in my mind. "Why are you here?" "Why are you here?" I broke. I was washing dishes and all I could do is lie my head on the counter and cry. I knew what the Lord was saying. He had other plans for me. I saw myself ministering to our town, Pelion. Reaching out to the broken. I saw a little building across from the park as a place of refuge.  The Lord said, "I need you to be my lighthouse." I was and still am overwhelmed by that responsibility. 

I was confused by the image of the little building, because it was not available for rent.  So, being the obedient child that I am (ha!), I reasoned that my timing was wrong and that I should continue with my plans for grad school. With an unsettled feeling in my gut, I decided that I would continue on my path and would stop just as soon as the place became available. I paid my confirmation fee for school. The next day, I received another word from the Lord. This was it. The time was now and I was supposed do what He asked me to do. I could hear myself thinking these thoughts and figured, "well, if I thought it, He heard it, so I might as well say it." "Um, Lord. I don't mean to sound disobedient or question you, but I think my husband is going to kill me if I tell him that I have to do this now after I just gave the school $100 yesterday. I know it's my fault..." and then I had the reassurance that I would get that money back before the week was out. That is so like God to make up for my disobedience. So, I decided to wait until the money came in before I told Matt. I had been jerking him around with all of this stuff since the original word came to me. I had been scared that I was wrong or that I wasn't "hearing" the Lord correctly, so I'm sure I put my poor husband through the wringer while I figured it all out.  Later that same week while the $100 was the furthest from my mind, Matt says to me, "this family gave me a check for today, but I tore it up." My heart sank. "How much was the check?"
"$100."
At this point, you may insert whatever word(s) or explatives you would like to imagine that I said, because I probably did say it in my head.

To make a long story short, I explained everything to Matt and here we are.
 
So, friends, this is "what's next."  I'm supposed to be doing this thing that the Lord said to do and I really don't know how to explain what that is. I'm still discovering it every day as the Lord guides me. I'll let you know more as it comes in.  In the meantime, I'd love to have your prayers over me and my family as we try to walk in this.

p.s. The building still isn't available. :)

God bless you and keep you.
Amy