I've graduated. Now, I get to face the dreaded question, "So, what's next?" I swallow hard and try to figure out, yet again, a new way to say it. I've managed to ramble in 50 different ways about "what's next." I've used words like "outreach," "mission," "God's call," and the bottom line is, everyone still looks at me like I've just landed here on earth and I'm speaking some alien language. I don't blame them. It's me, not them. The problem is that I don't have an answer that anyone can digest in a matter of a few seconds. Lately, I've just given up and said, "I'll let you know as soon as I know."
So, for anyone who cares to receive an answer to the question, you may continue reading. I'm sorry that I don't have a one or two word answer for you. Trust me, I want it more than anyone.
Like most people, I went ahead and made my own plans. I had planned to go to graduate school and get my MSW. I never consulted the Lord on this as far as I can remember; it just made sense to me to do it. A few weeks before graduation and a month before starting the grad program, I heard the Lord say something like, "why are you here?" OK, well, it was a sermon and a pastor was saying it. I can't remember what he was talking about in that sermon, because once he said those words, I couldn't hear anything else. I kept trying to listen to the message, but it would not stop reverberating in my mind. "Why are you here?" "Why are you here?" I broke. I was washing dishes and all I could do is lie my head on the counter and cry. I knew what the Lord was saying. He had other plans for me. I saw myself ministering to our town, Pelion. Reaching out to the broken. I saw a little building across from the park as a place of refuge. The Lord said, "I need you to be my lighthouse." I was and still am overwhelmed by that responsibility.
I was confused by the image of the little building, because it was not available for rent. So, being the obedient child that I am (ha!), I reasoned that my timing was wrong and that I should continue with my plans for grad school. With an unsettled feeling in my gut, I decided that I would continue on my path and would stop just as soon as the place became available. I paid my confirmation fee for school. The next day, I received another word from the Lord. This was it. The time was now and I was supposed do what He asked me to do. I could hear myself thinking these thoughts and figured, "well, if I thought it, He heard it, so I might as well say it." "Um, Lord. I don't mean to sound disobedient or question you, but I think my husband is going to kill me if I tell him that I have to do this now after I just gave the school $100 yesterday. I know it's my fault..." and then I had the reassurance that I would get that money back before the week was out. That is so like God to make up for my disobedience. So, I decided to wait until the money came in before I told Matt. I had been jerking him around with all of this stuff since the original word came to me. I had been scared that I was wrong or that I wasn't "hearing" the Lord correctly, so I'm sure I put my poor husband through the wringer while I figured it all out. Later that same week while the $100 was the furthest from my mind, Matt says to me, "this family gave me a check for today, but I tore it up." My heart sank. "How much was the check?"
"$100."
At this point, you may insert whatever word(s) or explatives you would like to imagine that I said, because I probably did say it in my head.
To make a long story short, I explained everything to Matt and here we are.
So, friends, this is "what's next." I'm supposed to be doing this thing that the Lord said to do and I really don't know how to explain what that is. I'm still discovering it every day as the Lord guides me. I'll let you know more as it comes in. In the meantime, I'd love to have your prayers over me and my family as we try to walk in this.
p.s. The building still isn't available. :)
God bless you and keep you.
Amy
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